Jalapeno Attack

by Amy Platon

So, I haven’t been the same since that jalapeno seed attacked the back of my throat at lunch yesterday. It lodged itself at the top back part and no matter how much I coughed it didn’t help. It burned me and choked me all at the same time. It was awful, and I’m pretty sure I nearly died.

I mean, that jalapeno had my number. I suppose it could have been the anesthesia from the mole I had had removed from my stomach earlier that day. But either way, I was delirious…from something….not self-inflicted.

And, I even asked the nurse if it was ok to work that night. She said it was fine. But unless it was in my chart, I don’t think she knew what I did for a living. Because she didn’t even ask me. What if I was in construction? What if I was a belly dancer? Would I have been able to complete my work duties with a two inch gaping whole in my abdomen that took six stitches to tie back together? I don’t think so! …Fortunately, I’m a bartender. And, I went to work.

But once I got there, my little excision turned into a gun shot wound. As in, when people asked me why I made a squinting face when I bent over or over reached, or bumped the damn thing, (I say it that way cause that’s what sucked the most. When I hit it. Which happened three times.), I said it was my gun shot wound. Why? Because a gun shot wound sounds way more exciting than the real story. And I’m not going to see these people again. They are all traveling business men. And it’s not something I normally do. Lie that is. But, since I am really good with the serious face, and since I totally don’t fit the part of a gun shot wound victim, those business men laughed it off, “Really?”

*Serious Face*

“How’d it happen?”

“Still under investigation.”

“What happened?”

“Can’t talk about it. Don’t want to blow my cover.”

Where did I come up with that one? It may be because ever since the TV show Alias with Jennifer Garner, I’ve secretly wanted to be an under cover special op agent. But I’m blaming it on the jalapeno. Because my throat still hurts a little and because I thought we were friends. Most people hate jalapenos. I never minded them tagging along on my Publix sub. But it’s totally over between us now.